Your Values: A Strong Foundation For Motherhood
Posted by Joelle Jay and Amy Kovarick on: 2005-07-06 16:17:15
Many women find that motherhood changes them. In truth, it may shake the very foundation of their lives. Their priorities shift; they see the world differently. For many women, the change that overcomes them in motherhood is inspiring and joyful. But for some women, it’s scary. For others, it can be downright depressing. How do you make sure that as your world suddenly changes around you, you still feel solid in the knowledge of who you really are, so that new motherhood is the most positive experience possible?
One way is to secure a strong sense of yourself before your baby is born. We often hear that being a good mom comes from being a good you, but how can you do that if you don’t really know who you are? You need to be clear on what you care about most. In other words, you need to know your core values.
Living in sync with your values is key to your fulfillment and contentment. And trust us, at no time is this more true than when you become a mother. Suddenly, the focus of your life changes. Your identity changes. Your perspective changes. As you care for, play with and fall in love with your baby, it can be easy to lose touch with yourself. Knowing your values will keep you grounded. You will feel more centered as a person, and therefore, as a mother. As a result, you can give more to your baby without giving away your self.
In order to live your values, you need to get to know them, understand what they mean to you, and remember them so you can stay true to what’s really important to you. Doing so will help you be more relaxed and content despite the overwhelm and excitement that new motherhood can bring. The steps below can help you identify your values so they become your foundation for motherhood.
Identifying Your Values
Identifying your values is a personal process that takes time and reflection. When we work with women in our workshops and private coaching sessions, the first step we have them take is to identify their values by brainstorming all the things, people, activities and states of being that fulfill them and make them feel alive. You can do this on your own by simply asking yourself the question: “What’s truly important to me and brings me to life?” We encourage you to let the answers flow without trying to analyze, edit, or approve them. Just scribble them all down on a piece of paper and don’t censor anything!
The next step is to use your brainstorm to start defining your values. The things that you listed are important clues to your values, but they are not necessarily the values themselves.
Values are intangible – they are the essence behind things that gives them their worth. For instance, if you listed your friends as important to you, look at what it is about your friends that you value. Is it the sense of belonging? Laughter? Support? Those are all possible values. If money made it to your list, what is it about money that you most value? Security? Freedom? Pleasure? Again, these are potential values. It’s easy to mistake the thing or person or activity as a value, but these are only manifestations of your underlying values.
Ideally, we suggest having a short list of five to seven values that represent what matters most in your life. We have included a list of sample values below to give you ideas. Try circling the ones that ring true for you. Then narrow your list to five or seven by asking yourself, “Which values do I need to honor in order to be truly fulfilled?”
TrustFaithServiceCaringCompassion
RelationshipQuality of LifeHealth AchievementAuthenticity
WellnessRenewalFreedomBeautyIntegrity
LearningGrowthFunChoiceSecurity
JoyGratitudeOuter PeaceInner PeaceHonesty
GenerosityAdventureOrderAbundanceSpirituality
AudacityImpactIntensitySimplicityHarmony
ClarityFrugalityIndependenceDiscoveryLove
AcceptanceWisdomCreativityImaginationForgiveness
BalanceCourageTruthDelightPleasure
AccomplishmentRespectCourtesyOpennessPower
Personalizing Your Values
Of course, every woman is different, and so are her values. We encourage you to experiment with your values and make up words that suit you best. You can even put words together to describe your own unique view of life.
For instance, we know one mother who has a value she calls “wide margins” – an image that reminds her to schedule her time very loosely so that she can be spontaneous and flexible, no matter what the day might bring. Another mom we know made up a value called “bees and honey” that helps her remember to create, cherish, and harvest the sweetness of life. There are no rules about how your values should look or sound; what matters is that they speak to you about what’s most important in your life.
Understanding Your Values
To really make your values a part of your life, it’s important to think about what each one means to you. How does each value show up in your life? The value of “spirituality” may mean going to church for one person, spending time in meditation for another, and walking in the woods for another. You and your best friend might both have a value around “family,” but one of you might mean spending quiet time at home while the other means creating boisterous, house-filling reunions. Taking the time to connect to what your values mean to you makes them yours instead of just a list of words.
Living Your Values
With a new, clearer sense of your values, you make it possible to live according to what really matters to you. Try on your values for size. Live your life from a new point of view. How would your approach to motherhood change if you always lived according to your values? What would be harder? What would be easier? What new decisions would you make? Experiment with your values for a few weeks. See what new insights they bring you. We call this living your values, and it’s one of the most powerful things you can do to find balance in motherhood.
When you become a mother, it’s important to be ready for some changes. Although the specific things that are important to you may change after your baby is born, your values endure. As your life, your schedule, your habits, and your relationships change, you can align them with your values in new ways that suit your new life without shaking the core of who you really are. Your values allow you to keep your identity and maintain what is intrinsic to your happiness, despite all of the changes life (and especially motherhood) can bring. And that’s one solid foundation for motherhood.
About the Author
Dr. Joelle Jay and Amy Kovarick are professional coaches, speakers and authors. Through their company, Oh, Baby! MotherhoodTM, they guide women in becoming mothers without losing themselves. Visit them at www.ohbabymotherhood.com.