Tip, The Thunder Dog – And You Too: Using Fears As Friends
Imagine humungous, bulbous, billowing alto-cumulus clouds building higher and higher in the sky. They are as black as tar at the bottom and snowy white at the top. It looks like we’re in for a storm.
CRACK, rumble, rumble, rumble. Use your imagination folks. That’s thunder, not a malfunction of my keyboard.
My black and white Border Collie, Tip, catapults from her slumber, ears laid tight against her head, and she’s off, full tilt, as fast as her legs will take her. Where is she going? She doesn’t know. She’s scared and she is just running.
You may ask, “Doesn’t she have a safe place at home?” Absolutely. She has a nice dog house that she uses for protection from the rain, snow, and coyotes that venture too close to the yard. But when there is thunder, she runs blindly. There is no way to stop her.
Does a similar reaction happen for you? When something happens (the something rhymes with “it”), do you jump to reaction mode, as if on autopilot? You know what I’m talking about: angry outbursts, sarcasm, rudeness, aloofness, running away, or retreat. It doesn’t make sense, but you do it anyway.
Why does this occur?
Dog Noodle Notes (about Tip’s brain)
The intense sound of the thunder creates a nerve message that is sent to Tip’s brain. Her brain stem, the most primal part of her brain, accepts this stimulus, recognizes this as a threat to her safety, and overrides all other brain systems. This primal part of the brain has the capability to direct her body to do only three things – fight, flight, or freeze. In Tip’s case, it’s flight. Is she really in extreme danger of losing life or limb? Not a chance, but her brain doesn’t know that.
If I am near Tip, and hear the thunder, there is a split second of time in which I can catch her attention, and encourage her to make a different choice – to go to the safety of her house. If I miss that chance, she’s gone.
People Noodle Notes (about your brain)
As a human, you have the same primal brain stem. And it does exactly the same thing as Tip’s brain. When you are hurt or frightened (physically, emotionally, or mentally), a message goes to your brain stem, and you may move into the same mode – fight, flight, or freeze. You may lash out at others, physically or verbally, cry, pout, or become defensive. You may run, or at least leave. You may freeze, retreat to your own space, and not be able to do anything constructive. You may do and say things that you wish you hadn’t. And the consequences of your reactions may significantly hurt your relationships with others. Over time, these unconscious reactions can erode, or completely destroy your relationships.
I know this happens because the “reaction mode” has, and still does happen for me occasionally. As I have become more aware of it, I realize that it is usually the same kind of circumstances that trigger it. Because of my personality, the trigger is usually something that threatens my security (financially or in a relationship) or a lack of information upon which to make a decision. What do I do?
I tend to retreat, become aloof, apathetic, and lose myself in my work. I may be sarcastic and abrupt. But I am not this way to customers or friends. No way! I take it out on those closest to me – my wife Carol, my sons Jamie and Brad, or other family members, even though they may not have had anything to do with the trigger.
Does it make logical sense? Not at all, but it happens, unless I am aware of what is going on and make a different conscious choice.
Just like Tip, there is a split second of time in which I have the ability to let the message move past the brain stem to the cortex of my brain, which is the logical and spiritual part of my brain. The cortex processes the message, considers consequences, alternatives, and feelings, and allows me to make a different, choice for myself and others.
And the same applies to you. How can you benefit from this knowledge?
The truth is this: you are the captain of your ship. You are accountable for everything that happens in your life. You always have the power to make a choice - ALWAYS. And ultimately, not making a choice is still a choice.
Try these basic steps (basic, not necessarily simple):
• Be aware of when you notice that feeling of disappointment, discouragement, hurt, fear, or anger.
• Be aware of your physiological responses: tenseness of muscles, heat, perspiration, scowling, clenched fists, rapid heartbeat,. These are the cues to let you know that something is brewing.
• In that moment, STOP! Take a deep breath – or ten. This gives the stimulus enough time to be accepted by your cortex.
• Think about your reactive responses in the past to the same or similar experiences.
• Consider the consequences of those reactions on your relationship with yourself or others. Were you happy with the consequences?
• Consider your desired outcome. If you could wave your magic wand, what would be the “best way” for this to turn out?
• What actions are necessary to achieve that desired outcome.
• Make the choice!
• Act!
You have fears and you know it. Use them as friends. They may show themselves as anger, defensiveness, and frustration. Recognize them and follow the steps above. You will notice positive outcomes in your relationship with yourself, partner, children, and anyone else in your life.
You know that relationships are vitally important. Treat them with care. Genuine happiness is impossible without them.
About the author: Dan Ohler is Thinkin’ Outside The Barn! Dan writes and speaks internationally on happiness, relationships, and change. He helps you learn the secrets to create life-long delightful relationships and abounding success. For FREE how-you-can-do-it-too articles, visit http://www.ThinkinOutsideTheBarn.com