Humor Articles & News
The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players
Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst jokes of all time about piano players. Nothing personal, you understand, since I am one. But a little comic relief laughing at ourselves is good for both our soul and our humility.
Country Pastimes 3: Impromptu Farm Concerts
Since the demise of foxhunting and hunting with dogs in the countryside, there are thousands of dispossessed toffs wandering around with nothing to do. To compensate we offer here the new shape of country activities.
The Twisted-tongue Tournament
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005 THE TWISTED-TONGUE TOURNAMENT -- Or, Calling All Weird-Word Whizbangers! -- **By Adrian Air-of-Sleet, a pleasure-seeking, mandolin-playing, maroon-hairpiece sort of fellow who enjoys Italian weddings, spelling bees, and the Calgary Stampede While I was perusing several dog-eared magazines hanging from the racks of a 24-hour convenience store in the middle of an odd place named Billy Butts Pond, my enlightenment bulb went off. Curious as to why this power ...
Country Pastimes 2: Bale Surfing
Since the demise of foxhunting and 'hunting with dogs' in the countryside, there are thousands of dispossessed toffs wandering around with nothing to do. To compensate we offer here the new shape of extreme and dangerous landsports.
Outgoing Mail
I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond. What's so outgoing about that? I think it needs to be renamed "shy mail" or "introverted mail". And besides, the reason a lot of people send mail is because they are not outgoing people and would like to instead express themselves in written form. So a new name for this type of mail is only logical. I would suggest names like Ralph ...
American Independence – The True Story
It was late in 1775, and King George III was at Buckingham Palace, sitting in reflective mood on his commode. His 13 year old son Prince George (yes, they were very imaginative with their names, those royal types), was sitting on the floor nearby, otherwise occupied with the 18th century equivalent of Game Boy: a model soldier with a rifle sat on a model elephant, shooting at a model tiger two planks of wood away.
The Bare Truth About My Butt Quiz
Forget about the SAT, never mind the FCAT, and remove forever from you mind any thoughts about the ACT. All these test pale in comparision to the examination that I just failed. Failing those test may have minor repurcussions like never making it into college and therefore being forced to work at fast food resturants well into you 40's. That's nothing. I just flunked a quiz that could scar me for life.
Learning To Be Funny
For some people, being funny can be a bit of a challenge. As a matter of fact, I used to be one of them. When I would try to tell a joke that wasn't made up by someone else, people would look at me with an expression that said, "Would you like... a straight jacket!?!"
Hurricane Season In Florida
I wrote this article last year when hurricanes after hurricanes pounded Florida. It is the hurrican season. This year the season has turned ugly for the state of Florida. "There are no seasons in Florida", they say. But we can now say there are two distinct seasons in Florida: Hurricane season and Non-hurricane season. We moved to this state last year from texas. When I joined the VA hospital as software engineer I was very surprised to hear that we had to attend two ...
How to Build a Cobblestone House
He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down - certainly not if the house was built with cobblestones. Building cobblestone houses was a folk art that flourished in upstate New York from 1825 until the Civil War in 1860. Many of the 700+ cobblestone homes that were built survive today, a testament to their fine craftsmanship.
He Had It Coming, Your Honor
This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit.
The World's First Comedian?
If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must be sincerely old. That’s because he appeared around 400 B.C., and back then the videos were pretty bad.
The Joke's On You Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?
This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child's birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn't done by a clown, but I've seen clowns doing similar things. As one of his tricks, he has a child (a young girl approximately 9 years old) holding two handkerchiefs knotted together. He pulls her hands apart, and instead of a third handkerchief appearing (or a flag, or whatever else) he has a pair of ladies' panties ...
My Baloney Has A First Name And Other Shallow Thoughts
The tobacco industry must be stopped. I've felt that way ever since I quit smoking. No one should have to suffer from Alzheimer's with memory prices so low. Nothing slows you down more than your cat catching a paw in your laser printer. My baloney has a first name, it's f-a-t-t-y. My wife washed my Odor Eaters, and put Bounce in the dryer. You should see the way I walk now. Yesterday one of the new guys winked at me. My bank says it will soon be paperless. I'm not ...
Go Ahead - Make Dad's Day
Throughout the year, many days of celebration are tucked capriciously into the calendar. So much so, it is hard to find any day of the year where something or someone is not being observed, which has benefited the greeting card company, you can be sure. I'm not positive, but I think they've had a great deal to do with designating these days.
Halfway Through Summer - Are We Having Fun Yet
Today is Thursday the 23rd of June and we’re almost halfway through the summer can you believe it. It seem to me that you wait and wait to get past the winter (at least here in the Northeast) then some years a wet soggy spring and finally your rewarded with sunny warm weather. Once it arrives you run madly around getting your yard ready for outdoor activities. You dash off the the local nursery to purchase a few new perennials (that you hope will grow) several varieties of annuals to fill ...
Hand Me My Thongs!
When I was a fart, thongs were somewhat different to what they are now. As I understood it, thongs were made of steel, cast iron and brass. I remember using my neighbours thongs on a regular basis, to put coal into the fire. I also remember using the very same thongs to put ice into vodkas and other beverages, excluding hot whiskeys. Now if I'm to believe the younger generations, then thongs are now used to re-arrange the genitals within various garments. I don't know what they are ...
A Georgia Superhero!
One thing I’ve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that it’s not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of the Flash, Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, the Green Lantern, and several others. I’m also quite excited that there’s a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its ...
Taking A Little Time Out For Time
Today's topic, ladies and gentleman, is: Time. We're going to talk about time today because I never seem to have enough of it. And I figure that if I dedicate a whole column to the subject of time and stress some of it's finer points, then perhaps Father Time will show his appreciation by granting me a few extra hours each day. This will allow me to be able to complete a couple more important tasks each day such as hitting the 'Snooze' button on my ...
Make A Small Fortune In The Fishing Industry...
Make Small Fortune In Fishing Industry... ....now there is a headline you don't see very often.In fact, I have never seen it. Unless you start out with a large fortune and slowly pitter it away while in pursuit of our friends who live beneath the waves, most people don't enter the exciting world of the fishing industry to seek fame and fortune. There are rarely any recruiters from Salmon canneries knocking on your door as you bask in the glory of graduation from college, nor do you ...
Jeepers Creepers It's July!
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. JEEPERS CREAPERS IT'S JULY! -- Odd Events & Activities Calendar for July 2005 -- Compiled by: Beatrice Blitterlees & Earl Craboon July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year. In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle. After all, it’s summertime. And in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year ... along with oodles of ...
To See Or Not To See
I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.
It's All About Seeing the Signs
Ace of Base hasn’t seen the sign for quite some time now, but that doesn’t stop the rest of us from doing so. In fact, on a regular basis, I see a lot of signs — and I don’t like most of them. With that in mind, I thought I’d take this week’s column to reveal a few examples:
Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories
Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital region, and calls this place home. His travels have taken him far and wide, but it’s his hometown surroundings that serve as a backdrop for his writing. He's recently published three books, and thinks his blend of history and humor shine a bright spotlight on the local area and its people.
Slip sliding On A Peel
Every day, or at least every other day, we make a fruit smoothie at mid morning. Almost without fail, these smoothies contain bananas; so, we go through about 10 or 12 bananas a week. Depending on my mood or the availability, these smoothies may also contain mango, papaya, pineapple, coconut or whatever other fresh fruit comes our way plus ice, water and the blender. Maybe also yoghurt or wheat germ.
Internet is My True Agent
You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time there is a pen and paper on the table, they will be sketching something down, with a mysterious smile, giggling quietly and making funny faces. Vlad Kolarov is no exception -- however, he has built a carrier out of his funny habit. If you are no Internet stranger, probably you have already seen his work. It might be a Yahoo ecard, or a funny cartoon on some web site, a greeting card or even his online portfolio (
Valet Parking: Theft with Consent
This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I’d like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can’t wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous sentence ...
Starbucks Going into Hilton
Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong, Crew Member Starbucks is not doing Paris Hilton. What I am saying here is Starbucks will now be offered in some Hilton Hotels. Just think you can watch Paris the skinny blonde babe on your infomercial in room TV ad for a Starbucks, run down to the lobby to and buy a fattening Frappachino.
Essential Laughter
Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.
Cloning Advantage Super Families
As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. We see the need of self to extend past one’s own lifetime as an innate characteristic; self-preservation has always been one of mankind’s greatest drivers of motivation. World Religions in their haste to rally group support and social order amongst the masses have in fact been able to capitalize on this to a large degree, purposing the idea of eternal salvation for a promise of the individual in ...