Humor Articles & News
Freedom During The School Holidays
So what do you do during half-term? Are you one of those parents who has everything organised so well that Little Bob or Little Sheila is off to grandma’s before they could say “but Grandma’s blind and in a wheelchair”. Where you would promptly respond by handing them a bag of videos and told to “hush child before I beat you”. Or are you one of the many who spend the best part of the week rushing from NW to SE in a desperate bid, begging friends and family members to “could you do the Tuesday ...
Raining Cats And Dogs And Geriatric Hookers
I veered to the right as I keenly saw an elderly woman in the pouring rain out of the corner of my eye. She was frantically waving her arms signaling me to pull over. Approaching the curb I simultaneously lowered the power windows and asked where she needed to go. “Across the bridge, can you get me there for three dollars? That is all I have,” she mumbled. I was already headed in her direction and was ok with pocketing a few extra bucks, so I unlocked the door and let her enter. The ...
Yo There Quipping Queen!
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. YO THERE QUIPPING QUEEN! Or, who is that entourage of questionable quirky characters anyway? By: Adrian Air-of-Sleet, Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of ...
Terry The Sick Kunt
There once was a boy named Terry. He was a nice fella but he had a few issues. One of his biggest issues was that he always tried to be a sick kunt. He used to be like this because he thought he needed to be seen by others in a particular way. This was especially common around the company of girls. Here's an example of one of his lines to a male friend: Get me a drink bitch!
Hell Is Hot But It Isn't A Bad Place To Live
Let's face it Hell has gotten a bad wrap over the years. I mean, is it really all that bad to go to Hell? It’s not so much Hell that’s the problem. It’s the company that resides within confines of the Netherworld. Whether it's the Dark Lord or some of his evil little Dominions causing a ruckus, it’s the company not so much the place.
Eleven Things To Do On A Boring Day
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. ELEVEN THINGS TO DO ON A BORING DAY Or, how to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your life By: Theolonius McTavish, a recovering “to-do-list” and clock-watching sort-of-person with a freezer full of vintage TV-dinners, ten pounds of low-carb Popsicles, 34 flavors of pop-tarts not to mention enough microwave-friendly pepperoni and pineapple pizzas to feed a platoon of pool sharks “Boredom numbs the work world,” read the ...
Health Club Regulars - Some Of The People You're Likely To Meet At The Gym
One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that’s available. It’s also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:
A Dog's Guide To... Getting Your Dog To Stop Barking
I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it? Well, if you’re Amber and Terry, you’re going to do NOTHING about it. Ain’t nobody going to silence the Rubinman, you know what I’m sayin’? If you’re NOT Amber and Terry, though (i.e. you’re smart) and you want to know how to get your dog to just freakin’ shut up once in a while, here’s what you need to know…
Poor Rix's Almanac 8 13 05
Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport Watcher
Calling All Dorks And Dingbats!
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. CALLING ALL DORKS & DINGBATS! Or, where do all those daffy ding-a-lings from Canada call home anyway? By Theolonius McTavish, a wayfaring wanderer in a very strange land full of blessedly big bugs, breathtakingly beautiful banshees, and more than a few bizarre blockheads Canada is a country of extremes in terms of its size, climate, and geography. The good news is that it's populated mostly by modest munchkins and ...
Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe
My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard. Let me rephrase. She thinks she found a human bone. They were putting up a fence in their backyard. They’ve been digging and shoveling and leveling posts. I unloaded some boards to be a Mister-Rogers-kind-of-neighbor. And she was still talking about the human bone she’d shown me the day before.
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy (or Girl... Or at least Make Sure they're a Good Money Manager!! ha,ha!) Here are some little tips so you can at least spot a wealthy (or soon-to-be-wealthy) guy: 1. If that BMW he's driving is most likely leased, you may be looking at a guy who owes a whole lot of money to someone else... It's pretty easy to LOOK rich. You might want to check out the guy in the Truck or not-so-new-but-still-nice vehicle -- chances are high that ...
Hercule Phallus And Early Viagra.
Viagra; latin-ish for re-enforce, derived from the Greek veristrong Viagra also means metasplint; meta from the Greek hidden and splint from the English/American splint. Yes, you all heard of it, but where did it come from? This is a question that is often asked of me at the bridge club.
You Know Your Breath May Be A Tad Funky When...
You know your breath may be a tad funky when.... You eat a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs for dinner along with several slices of garlic bread, and notice that more people are coming up to you and talking with you after dinner than before. The group standing alongside you waiting to board an elevator hang back and decide to wait for the next one once you’ve entered. Your old maid aunt who has tried kissing you right on the lips for years offers you just a handshake at your most recent ...
What's With The Automated Checkouts?
It’s 5:30 Friday evening. I’ve just put in a full 8 hours at work, commuted for another hour, the home frig is all but empty and I still have to make dinner for my family. So I dash into my familiar home town supermarket, who at this point shall remain nameless – but the name does starts with A - thinking I’d quickly pick up the makings for tonight’s dinner and do my full week’s shopping tomorrow when I have more time to think about it.
Name That Planet
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. NAME THAT PLANET Or, who put the ram in rama-dama-ding-dong...I'd like to shake his hand? By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, an errant Knight-In-Shining Armor, with a trusty thirty-pound encyclopedia under his arm to keep him warm at night, a bag of dog biscuits to keep strange critters happy, and a wooden hobby-horse which he rides every now and then to remind him that he’s destined to become the world’s first cosmic cowboy catapulted ...
12 Goofy Ways To Stay Safe And Healthy In Today's Hazardous World
- Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try. - Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant. - Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough. - Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs. - Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt. - Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven. - Avoid harmful fats -- particularly those name Gloria. - Never go swimming ...
Do Americans Really Understand Irony?
Let me start by saying that ‘I am an American’ Ok, there I have admitted it. But let me go on to make myself slightly more unpopular by suggesting that our American society does present us with a range of valuable and positive aspects. (no – I am not being ironic yet) Before you stop reading, let me counter that by suggesting what I see as the greatest fault of our modern society. A self absorbed US-centric attitude? A destructive ill conceived foreign policy that is destroying our ...
Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO Really? YES Maaan!
With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic and shaman would give you the answers to all life's mysteries... for up to 9.95 per minute.
Chastise Your Bread - Kneading Dough Is Excellent Stress Therapy
The day wasn’t going well already. You know how it is, you wake up in the morning with that migraine or the pounding headache in the back of your head. The kids are up at the crack of dawn (literally) and they keep coming into the bedroom to “help you” wake up. You fumble your way down stairs to a screaming chorus of, “Daddy, she won’t quit looking at me!” And then you have the old reliable “Hey! That’s my stuff!” And what are those comments without Back-up Plan ‘B’: “Hey! That’s my spot!” was ...
Tale Of A Bagle And The other Side Of The Fence
Greg's pithy quote for the day: The greener the grass, the more shit in the fertilizer. This is my corollary to “The grass is always greener…..” I’ve been doing some deep thinking the past few days in lieu of blogging. It doesn’t take much to get me into what I call “deep thought”. My minds “Hmmmmm” factor can be triggered by any number of outside stimuli. The trigger for my latest deep thoughts were triggered from a coffee session with Jaycee on Saturday and then a phone call from a ...
Catharsis And Roller Coasting
Being born a Floridian doesn't necessarily mean I'm genetically predisposed towards seeking refuge amongst large swarms of humanity wandering aimlessly around, taking touristy pictures while being jerked across the walkway by a 4 year old who's just seen the Grinch.
And the World Goes 'Round
If you are a citizen of UK or Australia, you are permitted to snicker at this problem. Anchorage, Alaska, just opened its first two roundabouts at a major intersection.
Buddhabot At Your Service
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. BUDDHABOT AT YOUR SERVICE Or, where oh where have my wisdom teeth gone? By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a peripatetic professor of pre-recorded pauses, past-life parables and punctuated premonitions, on sabbatical from the Faculty of Divinity & Waterpolo at University of MaxiMegalon to study the origin of the universe and who makes the best banana fruitcake If you were born without wisdom teeth, haven't got a clue what a ...
Disclaimer:diet Pepsi Does Not Make You Hip
Today there was a grand opening to the newest Wally World in the area so I figured what the hell and went to see what of course was yet another same old Wal-Mart. Of course since it was the first day there were people giving out free shit like ice cream, energy drink, and even beef jerky.That is freaking awesome man,free beef jerky is like getting a free blowjob on a hookers first day on the job.It's really a cool thing to walk up and be able to eat beef jerky in the store without being ...
Racing That Isn't Gay.
There are so many types of racing out there.You can watch Nascar,race in illegal street races,or even race little rascals against the people at the old folks home,but lets face it...these ways blow more than your mom.I am tired of seeing so many shitty ways of racing that I went out with a few of my friends and created a whole new way to do it.You see,some of you may be familiar with the Fisher Price toys Power Wheels right?You know the things that are made to look like popular real world cars ...
Dna Testing Breaks New Ground For Courts
DNA testing has three major applications for forensic studies: identification of missing persons; identification of victims of wars, accidents, and natural disasters; and crime investigation. Annually, more than 20,000 forensic DNA tests are performed in the UK. Two out of three of all criminal cases using DNA evidence involve sexual assault, the rest are cases dealing with burglary, murder, and other types of violent crime. During the last 15 years,
Mesothelioma Settlement
Mesothelioma settlement can help ease the burden of having Mesothelioma Cancer. Mesothelioma settlements are to help Mesothelioma Cancer sufferers with their treatment and ongoing support, as most sufferers will be adversely affected by the Mesothelioma.
How To Find The Best Mesothelioma Lawyer Or Mesothelioma Attorney?
Choosing a good Mesothelioma Attorney or Lawyer is important, as they will be able to determine the appropriate level of compensation and other important matters relating specifically to Mesothelioma litigation.
Know Your Rights About Asbestos Litigation
Due to the rise in Mesothelioma related Cancers, which are a result of exposure to Asbestos based fibers and materials, there is now a wave of Asbestos related litigation being initiated.